About the Slasher Movies
Just a few things about the slasher movies that really irritate me.
There are never any guns in the slasher movies. There are more than two hundred and fifty million firearms in the United States alone, yet, no matter how remote the location of the movie scene, a gun is never present. I know no one ever goes camping thinking some asshole in a mask is going to kill you and all your friends, but did you ever stop to think about bears, wolves, mountain lions or coyotes? Toss a gun in the suitcase.
Of course, you can understand the reasoning behind it. The scary man in the mask with his knives and spears wouldn’t last too long if someone had just thought to bring a Glock along, or an AK-47. You see, the movie would last too long.
Oh look! There’s a scary man in a mask and he’s got an ax! Bang! Bang! Bang! The end. Roll the movie credits. Total time of the movie? However long it took the director to set up the first scene plus three or four shots.
People always die during sex. I don’t how this got to be part of the slasher movie ritual, but it seems to be true. Have sex in a slasher movie and you might not make it through that encounter. Hope it was really good.
The girl is always the last one left in the movies, thus always the one that kills the man in the scary mask – unless it was watched by a lot of people. Then, we find out why the man in the scary mask is still alive. The men, you know the hunter, stalker, types, always get surprised by the man in the scary mask and get taken out quickly. I don’t if they lift weights, are professional boxers or Army Rangers. They’re gone and the poor, helpless, crying girl ends up finishing him off.
The girls who die before the final girl gets away always fall down, sometime more than once when she is running towards the car.
The car is always locked. Why the hell is it locked? You in the middle of the damned woods with only people you know! You afraid one of them is going to steal your shit?
The girls always drop the keys trying to get into the car. This made sense thirty years ago, but not now. Doesn’t every car have a remote key with a panic button? Use it for crying out loud!
There’s the other thing. The movie takes place in the wilderness with little electronically to drowned out noise. In other words, you could hear a pin drop. Yet, here is the young girl, running, screaming, and crying all the way back to the car that is locked because she went camping with thieves and no one takes time to poke their heads out the door to see what the hell is going on?
Isn’t that Julie? I wonder why she is screaming and yelling. You think she’s in danger?
Never mind, dear. We can go check it out after we get done having sex.
One last thing that always gets me about the slasher movies. You know if that girl does manage to get into that car, the son of a bitch is not going to start. Even if it does start, the man in the scary mask is going to rise up out of the backseat and slit her throat, so she can slump over the steering wheel and gurgle to death while the car runs into a tree going six miles an hour…
…and then explodes.
Wait, that is a rant for another blog.
Hope you guys enjoyed it.
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