I hope you enjoy this and, please, tell me what you won’t miss about the holiday season.
Things I Won’t Miss Now That Christmas is Gone
I love Christmas and the holidays in general. It is a time of great reflection, a time when most of us are granted a reprieve from the daily grind of our lives so we can be with our families. I will miss the togetherness, the warmth of a crackling fire, the good, once a year food stuffs and beer. (Actually, I won’t miss that one so much. Beer is not a once a year treat like turkey and dressing. It is the gift that keeps on giving.) I could write on forever about all the things that I will miss about the holidays. Being the pessimistic writer (Come on, now. Most of us are.), I must throw in a few things that I won’t miss.
Author’s Note: Most of these things annoy me year round, but they are especially annoying during the season of peace on earth and good will towards men.
Look, I understand if you are in a hurry and you need to get out on the road. I can forgive you for looking at my vehicle barreling down the road at you and thinking you just have to get out in front of me. I can forgive that I was a little closer than you thought, that I had to slam my brakes on to keep from rear ending you, that a little rubber came off my tires. I can forgive all that as long as you pull out and then go on. But do not, under any circumstances pull out in front of me, cause me to lock my wheels up and then drive ten miles and hour slower than whatever the posted speed limit is. If you are going to drive that slow, then another three or four seconds to let me get by won’t hurt you any at all.
Please do not pull your shopping cart along side the green beans, leave the cart in the middle of the aisle where no one can get around and start “shopping” for green beans. First of all, they are green beans. They are not a fine wine. They are grown, harvested, and processed all the same way and have been for the last thirty years. Pick up the cans you need and move on. Secondly, if you must fondle every can of green beans, thump them with your finger to see if the can is ripe, then move your shopping cart to the side so the rest of us can get around. I only have a certain amount of seconds in this life. I do not wish to spend it watching you shop for green beans.
Once you have found your perfect can of green beans and moved on, please do not take said cart, lined with ten cans each of green beans, corn, peas, and one roast thrown in for good measure, to the express lane. Green beans, corn, peas and roast may come up to four items in your mind, but in the real world they equal thirty-one, NOT twenty or less as the sign clearly states. By the way, taking time out from putting your thirty-one items up to be priced is not cool, either. I got into the express lane because I am in a hurry. If you want to waste your time, then please do so. But do not waste mine. Again, I only have a prescribed amount of time in this life.
Now lastly, you have clearly demonstrated in your green bean shopping and your check out manner that time is something that clearly is not on your mind. So, could you please take the thirty seconds it will take you to take your cart over to the return area? I know they pay young men and women to come and get the carts, but they do NOT pay me to have to get out of my car, move the cart you left out of my way just so I can park in the last empty parking space within a quarter mile jog of the front door. I know I need the exercise, but I like my exercise to be one of my choosing, not one of your choosing.
Lastly, I want you to know that I have nothing against you. I only know you through your habits, the little idiosyncrasies that happened to catch my eye. I am assuming that, despite all I have said, you are someone I would like if I could ever have the fortune of meeting you face to face. I do wish you a happy new year…
…and I so look forward to seeing you in the green bean aisle next holiday season.
I do love green beans.