About Slasher Movies

About the Slasher Movies

 

Just a few things about the slasher movies that really irritate me.

 

There are never any guns in the slasher movies. There are more than two hundred and fifty million firearms in the United States alone, yet, no matter how remote the location of the movie scene, a gun is never present. I know no one ever goes camping thinking some asshole in a mask is going to kill you and all your friends, but did you ever stop to think about bears, wolves, mountain lions or coyotes? Toss a gun in the suitcase.

Of course, you can understand the reasoning behind it. The scary man in the mask with his knives and spears wouldn’t last too long if someone had just thought to bring a Glock along, or an AK-47. You see, the movie would last too long.

  Oh look! There’s a scary man in a mask and he’s got an ax! Bang! Bang! Bang! The end. Roll the movie credits. Total time of the movie? However long it took the director to set up the first scene plus three or four shots.

People always die during sex. I don’t how this got to be part of the slasher movie ritual, but it seems to be true. Have sex in a slasher movie and you might not make it through that encounter. Hope it was really good.

The girl is always the last one left in the movies, thus always the one that kills the man in the scary mask – unless it was watched by a lot of people. Then, we find out why the man in the scary mask is still alive. The men, you know the hunter, stalker, types, always get surprised by the man in the scary mask and get taken out quickly. I don’t if they lift weights, are professional boxers or Army Rangers. They’re gone and the poor, helpless, crying girl ends up finishing him off.

The girls who die before the final girl gets away always fall down, sometime more than once when she is running towards the car.

The car is always locked. Why the hell is it locked? You in the middle of the damned woods with only people you know! You afraid one of them is going to steal your shit?

The girls always drop the keys trying to get into the car. This made sense thirty years ago, but not now. Doesn’t every car have a remote key with a panic button? Use it for crying out loud!

There’s the other thing. The movie takes place in the wilderness with little electronically to drowned out noise. In other words, you could hear a pin drop. Yet, here is the young girl, running, screaming, and crying all the way back to the car that is locked because she went camping with thieves and no one takes time to poke their heads out the door to see what the hell is going on?

Isn’t that Julie? I wonder why she is screaming and yelling. You think she’s in danger?

            Never mind, dear. We can go check it out after we get done having sex.

            One last thing that always gets me about the slasher movies. You know if that girl does manage to get into that car, the son of a bitch is not going to start. Even if it does start, the man in the scary mask is going to rise up out of the backseat and slit her throat, so she can slump over the steering wheel and gurgle to death while the car runs into a tree going six miles an hour…

…and then explodes.

Wait, that is a rant for another blog.

 

Hope you guys enjoyed it.

 

Tim

 

 

Please take time to check out Campfire Tales on Amazon.

 

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About timkeen40

When I was seven, I opened one of those little Golden Books (Lassie) and started copying the words down on paper and it set my soul on fire. I have been writing ever since. I don't know where this is going but I invite you along on the journey.
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11 Responses to About Slasher Movies

  1. Just Joan says:

    This was fun, Tim. You’ve got the formula for horror movies down pat. You could write them, for heaven’s sake. 🙂

  2. timkeen40 says:

    I appreciate that so much. I am so glad you liked what I had to say.

    I love Just Joan, everyone. Go see what she has to say.

    Thanks for stopping by.

    Tim

  3. prenin says:

    The main reason I never watch them is that the formula is always the same – what idiot, fearing a criminal is loose, walks through the unlocked door and shouts: “Hello is anyone there?” so, naturally enough the bad guy shouts back: “Yeah I’m in the kitchen roasting your boyfriend!!!” :/

    I think I’ll stick to the science fiction formula movies… :/

    God Bless! 🙂

    Prenin.

  4. I must say I’ve never seen a slasher movie, and I don’t intend to. M. Night Shymalanawanadingdong, or whatever his name is, makes scary enough movies for me. Plus, reading this, they sound awfully stupid anyway. 🙂

  5. timkeen40 says:

    They definitely have their place and, if you are not a fan, then they are down right silly.

    Thanks for stopping by…

    Tim

  6. Laura Beth says:

    Your post sums up why I’m not a fan of slasher movies. It’s so formulaic! I’ll take Hitchcock movies any day.

  7. timkeen40 says:

    Laura Beth,
    I agree completely. I am not looking for a movie to change my life, but I like it to require some thought on my part.
    Thanks for stopping by as always,
    Tim

  8. Scarlett says:

    Maybe those films are set in Australia, we don’t have guns here, we throw venomous snakes and spiders at the undead here, and it works!

    • timkeen40 says:

      Thanks for chiming in. What we do here in the US works, it is sometime just so predictable.

      Tim

      • Scarlett says:

        From a business point of view, I can see what they are doing, they need returns on their investments and a lot of these guys are from fiscal not creative backgrounds so its a hard ask for them. I read this book called “Easy Riders and Raging Bulls” about how guys like Martin Scorsese and George Lucas saved the film industry, we need another similar – but different revolution.

        Here’s the link to it BTW you should read it of you haven’t.

        https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6793.Easy_Riders_Raging_Bulls

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